Samurai

So I'm listening to "The Last Samurai" soundtrack which is awesome as is the movie. The music is very moving. For me, music is the emotion it makes me feel. All music to me has a certain emotion. The Last Samurai is a very sad feeling...like a longing for something really. The movie is the same way, especially the ending. I sometimes thing I was born way too late. I would have loved to live back in the day. Sure, now we have computers and medicines and vaccines but I would love to live in a simpler time. There is just so much stress in this world and we all just create it ourselves. Nothing is ever good enough really. Eh, it happens. I finally got the wireless to work on the laptop so YAY! hehe. but anyway...

well now

So i went back to the old high school today to help Chief with some recruiting. I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen for awhile which was cool. Most of my friends there are girls so Chief was like "Dude...you're a pimp". I keep trying to listen to the debate but I just don't care anymore. I guess i should since whoever wins will be my boss but eh...I am really enjoying the new laptop. It is quite nice. I've gotten into the new ABC show "Lost". It is really well done. There are just so many different people and all of there stories interacting is really neat. I am also into the new Sci-Fi Channel show "Ghost Hunters". It's different because they try to disprove the cases instead of prove them. I am sooo ready to just leave for the Navy now, but I want to stay around my family and friends a bit longer. My dog too...he is really clingy to me. He follows me around everywhere, sleeps in my bed, i dunno what he is going to do when I leave. There are certain people i wish I could block off my buddylist...but i can't. People annoy me a lot haha. I probably annoy a few people too. I have to get people to start reading this thing, just so I feel special. I find it funny that after almost 3 months my dad still doesnt know about my tattoo. He is so anti-tattoo its crazy. Did I mention I love this laptop? haha. I've started putting all my stuff on it so that is cool. I like having my own computer. Our router sucks though so I can't get the wireless to work right now. I keep having to steal the hardwire from my parents computer but it's cool, the couch is comfortable. Well, I'm done for now...have fun kiddies ;)

Tired

I really want to go to sleep but I just can't. It is really annoying. Oh well. At least I have Japan-A-Radio haha. I'm in a pretty good mood today. My laptop should be coming in tomorrow or like monday so :) :) :). I am getting so tired of moving shit to the new house. I just want it to be all done but there is always more stuff to move. My room is barely done. I threw away so much stuff it is not even funny. I've got a lot of clothes I can't wear anymore so I am giving them away to Good Will or something. No point in throwing them away. Upright Citizens Brigade was on today. I laughed so damn hard. That show is great. I went to the UCB Theatre in NYC back in May with my friend Kat. That is a really funny place and some of the shows are even free. So I want Scrubs to come out on DVD. Every other piece of shit show is on DVD why not Scrubs?! Oh well. I WANT MY LAPTOP!!! I keep wanting to download things but it's like, wait this is my parents computer I can't download onto it. So, I have to wait a few more days to play Gunbound again. Oh well, i'm done writing...now

Ghost Hunters

Ghost Hunters is a pretty neat show. The TAPS website has some really neat video evidence and stuff. My dreams prove to me without a doubt that there is an after life. Hell, I'm being punished by people who are dead in my dreams. Though, I'm not always being punished, sometimes people just need to talk to me I guess. Paranormal stories always kind of freak me out. I'm good with scary movies, but hearing real people talk about it always gives me the chills. I guess from my own experiences with death and all, it kind of hits home. I think I'd actually like to do some paranormal research. It would be really interesting. Most people probably think it's all bull shit, but honestly there is so much we don't know about ourselves anything is possible. Well...don't have much to say, i am going to contiunue to freak myself out on the website...Check it out!

hmm...this song = me

For You
Barenaked Ladies
(Everything To Everyone)

I have set aside everything I love
I have saved everything else for you
I cannot decide what this doubt's made of
Though I thought over it through and through

In a book in a box high upon a shelf
In a locked and guarded vault
Are the things I keep only for myself
It's your fate but it's not your fault

[CHORUS:]And for every useless reason I know
There's a reason not to care
If I hide myself wherever I go
Am I ever really there?

There is nowhere else I would rather be,
but I can't just be right here
An enigma wrapped in a mystery,
or a fool consumed by fear

[CHORUS]

I will give you all I could ever give
Though it's less than you will need
Could you just forget, if you can't forgive
All the things I cannot concede

[CHORUS]

so yea

So yea...I am really tired of feeling alone all the time. I just want someone to hold. I don't care about sex or whatever, i just want to cuddle lol. I mean, i'm leaving for the Navy in January but i'd love to have someone until then. It really isnt so much to ask. I guess in a weird sadistic/masochistic way on the day before i leave i want someone/me to be all depressed because we will miss each other. It's the romantic in me I guess. I miss the feeling of having someone close to me. Maybe if I weren't so Philophobic and didn't sabotage every possible relationship I could have I could have that feeling again. As much as I want someone I am so afraid to let anyone in close to me. It just seems that when ever I do I get my heart and emotions played with. It really isnt fair at all. I am just tired of being afraid. Some of my friends (well, one) are afraid I am going to die in the Navy. I'm not afraid of dying at all, but I'm terrified of being in love. How crazy is that? Well, I guess I've been through enough that death wouldn't be all that scary and because of the same stuff i would be afraid of love. I just miss some of those people who have died. It is hard going through things by yourself when their used to be someone to help. I have people who would gladly take up the burden of my nightmares, but they didn't live through it so I don't want them to have to. I've lost a lot of important people so now I am stuck dealing with some very painful things by myself. I hate sleeping because I always have horrible nightmares. I wake up all tangled up in the sheets, sweating...I relive shit in my nightmares that I never witnessed. Sometimes I dream prophecy. It is weird having deja vu all the time. And it's not like I THINK i dreamed it, I write down my dreams so I'm not just tricking myself into thinking I had deja vu. I just want a peaceful nights sleep. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be all right. I want to love and be loved without fear. I want to have some sense of normality just for a little bit. But no, there is always that sadistic part of me that hurts people...I am become death, destroyer of worlds....